IF YOU CAN’T FIGHT ‘EM, JOIN ‘EM
A ‘rewarding’ crash course from News Today
Investigative Journalism & Brigand Management
La affaire Veerappan, and the frenzy that followed it in the media and the public have indeed opened our eyes to the exciting possibilities held out by the entire episode in the field of education. We felt that. It was the need of the hour to prepare the people to what is being dished out and provide an academic framework for proper understanding of brigands and their ways and also investigative journalists and their ways.
The common man’s unfamiliarity with the lives of the not-so-common bandits of the jungle and the more common palace bandits, sorry, politicians of the ‘civilised’ society, needs to be addressed urgently lest they are caught unawares by the inevitable entry of the former into the latter’s midst.
So we, at News Today, did some brain storming and have come out with a package of study material to educate the public on a relatively unknown (in)discipline, ‘Brigand Management’.
Beginning tomorrow, News Today shall frequently bring to you in these columns, some useful lessons on important aspects of the subject which we feel our readers should be familiar with. This crash course, we are sure, would enlighten not only to the public at large, but also the brigands ‘at large’.
Who can enrol
The course would contain useful tips, particularly to aspiring investigative journalists, policemen engaged or to be engaged in the pursuit of brigands (and not tribal women, mind you), as also to bandits wanting to become politicians or bandits who have already graduated into politics.
As of now there is nothing official about this course; but we hope to get the seal of approval (referred to as Emissary status) soon. The necessary papers for securing the approval have been filed with the authorities not concerned. As we have been emboldened into starting such a venture only due to official patronage, there should not be any problem in getting the clearance.
Besides the above mentioned general academic framework, we promise to take the readers/students for safaris into the jungles for possible face-to-face/group discussions with bandits. If you are lucky, you may also get to see live demonstrations of elephant poaching, sandalwood smuggling with proper audio and video special effects, acted by the bandits themselves. You will also be taught how to negotiate surrenders with the bandits without exactly making them surrender and there would be a special course on bandit appeasement where experienced investigative journalists and eminent men from the ‘ top’ will teach you the art of crawling and fawning (we academicians clans call it stooping to be conquered). Rest at peace, we will not insist on first access to whatever information or video clippings you may collect in the normal course of your study, even if they constitute evidence under law. Besides the all-encompassing press freedom would take care of such minor hassles. Also there may arise opportunities to bump into whatever hostages that may be in the custody of the bandits at that time.
If you ‘manage’ to rescue the hostages you will be felicitated at a grand convocation which will- be well attended, where intellectuals from the left, right and the centre would heap praise on you and an expert committee consisting of former police chiefs, who are not senile and Television anchormen, who have no bias, would consider recommending your name for coveted awards like Pulitzer, whose organisers are only waiting to do just.
So rush and join this course for certain enlightenment and win a hands-on experience on Brigand Management, Investigative journalism and several such exciting Seas of study, all in one package.
e-mail the writer at [email protected]