Our masters’ voices… Or noises

Welcome to Bore News Channel and please do join us for the latest bulletin on what is on in the capital. For the benefit of those viewers who have missed the news for the past one week, well, do not worry, not much has transpired since that fall. And to those who have steadfastly sat before the idiot box hoping for the heavens too, to fall, our sincere apologies. Hope you enjoyed the commercial breaks.

Anyway, here is an update. The Vajpayee government was defeated by one secular vote last Saturday and nothing constructive has happened since though minutes have become hours and hours, days and days, a week. The update ends and what follows is history…that keeps repeating to haunt us.

We now have a host of leaders, secular and communal, at our studios who have all just arrived from Rashtrapathi Bhavan after meeting the President. The President, as you know, has already warned everyone against spreading rumours on what he thinks and so viewers are advised to bear this in their minds. Off the record and secretly, but before the cameras, all the leaders ‘confided’ that the President gave them a patient hearing and even agreed with their views. Yes, of course, there is only one President.

Here they go.

L.K.Advani: Only Vajpayee can form an alternative government and we should be given a chance to prove our majority till we really prove our majority. We are confident of winning the numbers game the moment a couple of opposition members walk out to the loo or for a smoke. There is certainly a lot of precedents for this.

That is members do frequently exit the house for the above mentioned purposes. Of course, the ruling alliance MPs have been issued whips asking them to sit tight.

Sonia Gandhi: The Congress will form a minority government with support from outside… no not Italy. We are not interested in power but we will form a government, come what may. We will fulfill our responsibility to the Congress party constitution . (Arjun Singh whispers in her ear) Ah, yes, to uphold secularism too.

Jayalalitha: An alternative government has not been formed yet as promised by me because everyone forgot about it. Selective amnesia. Like how Muthiah forgot to vote. Anyway, a new government will be in place in two days.

Subramaniam Swamy: I am the architect of the wreckage and I should be made the Finance Minister of what ever government that takes charge as a token gesture to secularism. Of course, a new government will be installed soon, if need be by even importing MPs from China. All BJP leaders will be sent to jail for stealing my Party’s name.

Laloo ‘Devi’ Yadav: BJP has been punished ‘por’ trying to destabilise Bihar government. They are now ‘pinished’. I will never allow President rule in Bihar…unless Rabri becomes President. It is victory for sec…( leaves the studio in a hurry after hearing that thirty men, women and children were gunned down along with hundred or so heads of cattle)

Mulayam Singh: BJP is communal. Congress is pseudo-secular. Third Front is best. Only Basu and I are its leaders. Basu must be made PM. Of course, he will refuse. That leaves only…well, I do not want to speculate.

Basu: Sonia is only a housewife, but a secular housewife. Since the nation is full of houses, she must be made the PM. Of course, I have been offered the PM’s post and I…

Surjeet (interjects..): Basu does not want to become the PM. He just whispered in my ears. The press conference is over.

Moopanar: No support if AIADMK is there. But we will support if Sonia is PM. No, we are not confused. Our MPs will press all the three buttons during the vote of confidence.

Karunanidhi: Communalism is better than corruption. Vajpayee government is better than elections. Nation’s interests are more important than the party’s interest. BJP is better than Congress but if Congress comes to power, then Congress is better than BJP because nation’s interest is more important than the party’s interest.

It is better if Maran is always Minister because, between party and family, family is better. Nephews are better than co-borns. But my party co-borns are my family and my family is the party. Maran is both and so it is better if Vajpayee is reinstated. Long live Anna. Vajpayee Anna.

Deve Gowda (stiffling a yawn): I have a dream…a day dream. I am the PM. I have absolute majority in Janata Dull…zzz…

That ends today’s update and political analysis. Viewers…still there?

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Jawahar T R