While you were away …

Dear Signor Rahul alias Raul,

Welcome back. That is assuming you are really back. Those footages bear a striking resemblance to as we remember you when you left India/Delhi/home/mama’s side (assumptions all) two months ago. That is assuming you left when it was reliably assumed you had left to wherever one assumes. Poor thing, you must have felt really lonely, assuming you were alone.

That’s quite a lot of ‘assuming’. But since we had no clue to if and when you will assume/resume normal (?) duty (?), we are forced to … well, you know. Some assumptions will be answered, some will never be. But Bharath will know it is you the moment you start mumbling, pardon, ‘giving voice’. You are a tough act to clown, er, clone. And since it is now confirmed you (if it is you) arrived from Thailand to thaainadu, it also stands confirmed that you were abroad. For all of two months? Assume. But we will take it that it is you behind those tinted windows.

It calls for great talent to become invisible and incommunicado at will. It is not so easy for the precious, protected, privileged and protocol-driven Z-plus species to enjoy such privacy. Aah, but you are Prince Rahul. Anyway, whoever hosted you or helped your travel are real good at omerta, secrecy. Of course that speaks badly of the media here, particularly some TV channels that, often times and now, pompously demand to know and themselves know, everything. You had your sweet revenge and some good laugh by keeping them frantically speculating on your whereabouts. And all that pre-meditated guesses galore from meditation to mental illness.

‘Rahul returns’ to Mummy & motherland – India, not Italy – is critical news. Many came to know of your absence only now. You were smart to keep the grist going by arriving without notice and evaporating without trace for another two days. And, let alone waving like your mother, you did not even show your face, even to the few faceless Cong workers who were celebrating Devil knows what. Probably you had no face to show or you were not yet ready to face the nation. Or maybe you believed whatever Cong workers were left after Delhi polls would have left after you left them in the lurch without as much as a word of explanation or encouragement. Not that you had any on that blank brain. No offence. I meant spiritual seekers have a clear mind.

But don’t worry, some unfortunate cadre and fortunate leaders will stick around, no matter if the party gets banished or you vanished. They feed on your family that feeds on the country. The more your party gets dwarfed, the taller your clan gets. So, your there-not-there charades work great. Actually, during your stealthy sabbatical, royal loyalists did such a job of messing things up that no one missed you. By the way, the spokespersons defending you rose from 40s to 50s, much more than Cong MPs in LS. You were credited for RTI, RTE etc: no debits for Coal, 2G etc.

But the real spoke through your wheel is your mother whom these fifty-odd spokespersons dare not speak up to. So far it has been either mum is the word or mom’s word for you too. Such silence or surrender won’t work. I mean, how can you lend voice for the nation when you cannot find your own at home? No, you misunderstood. I am not asking you to turn the damn TV volume down. You can keep that new Bangkok headphones on too. Point is you must assert yourself. Otherwise, mummy will think you are a dummy and choose Vadra. He has the CV she wants. And trust Digvijay, Singhvi et al to back him with the same gusto. Habit.

And what is all this buzz about land bill and rallies from the moment you landed? The legislation was passed in March itself in Parli. Only you were in recess. Absent then and absent-minded now? Remember you are a member of that circular structure? Remember Kalavathy? Instead of speaking in that round building why all this sound beyond? Thought you had kissed the kisans goodbye. At times, it is better never than late. And you said the law could be passed only after running a bulldozer over your body. With you gone for two months, the bulldozer rental only is now running high.

Well, what else? Oh, your 10-year regent honest Singh got a summon, earned a march down murky memory lane, followed by a court reprieve. Now, farmers can do without you. But you can’t sans the Sardar’s silence. Pay him a visit forthwith. Jayanthi just spilled some beans on your duplicity. The ex-PM can unload trucks full of rotten vegetables. You may have to hit the holiday trail right this instant.

By the way, in case you are planning another vacation I recommend Amethi, your constituency, just to jog your memory. Voters there are searching for their lost voice. You can also ‘show’ some work even as you shirk.

Yours very sincerely ….

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Jawahar T R