March past, April Fools’ time now

I am inspired. I am encouraged. And I am emboldened, enough to present my own manifesto, my promises, knowing fool, er, full well that there is no chance of me getting elected. There is a conspiratorial proviso in the EC fool, hell, rule book that unfairly disallows those who have not fooled… filed their nominations, from contesting.

But still, I am deadly serious though what follows may seem darned stupid to some. That’s because they don’t subscribe to my fool, pardon, school of thought. Unfair again, because you are all ready to suffer being fooled round the clock and calendar by prolific peer foolers in the pollscape, and also eager to figure in the fools’ gallery called Voters’ list, but care a dime about me, no less loony than those habitual foolers.

I have named mine PB Manifesto. No, not PointBlank, but Plain Bunkum Manifesto. See, I am a sincere, straight shooter, shorn of hypocrisy. I call a spade a spade, even if it is not a spade, but a clover. Small wonder, despite the few smart sceptics, I have a huge ‘fool’owing. I now present my blank points as bullets, but be sure, each is a bomb shell, a shell at least, and even hollow, mostly. Welcome to Fools’ Paradise:

* In half hour I will address the nation with a very important message.

* Meanwhile. My symbol is an unwrapped gift pack. It was not easy getting it from EC. Not the pack, the symbol, I mean.

* I offer a stable Government… that is if you happen to have a horse. The Opposition is a multi-horse race, all lame and there aren’t stables enough in Race Course Road.

* Every household, in proportion to voters, present and prospective, will receive $ 10,000/- a week.

* The cash will be deposited in my account, to be distributed equitably, at my discretion. There will be a Constitutional amendment that the PM will be directly elected by these families.

* So no one need work. Jobs’ problem thus solved, an unemployment exchange will be formed. Legislators, State and Central, will be enrolled first.

* Aadhaar card not necessary. Any saadhar card will do, even a visiting card.

* All Bank loans will be waived and Banks will be prosecuted under Bankruptcy code.

* Pls wait a few more minutes for my important message.

* Demonetisations will be done with adequate notice. The notes to be demonetised will, however, be kept secret till the 13th hour, in national interest.

* ATM for every house. It will issue weight and fortune cards.

* Black money held abroad, even those of foreign citizens, will be brought to India, within 100 days… no, make it 200. Better, let’s leave that open-ended.

* Black & Benami transactions, Bribes, will come under GST regime.

* Stay tuned. Important announcement on way.

TN SPECIALS:

* All profound literary works in English, Hindi and Italian by giant scholars like Rahul will be translated into chaste Tamil by Thangkabalu.

* Efforts to make Tamil classical language in Japan where our Lenin was once Deputy CM.

* Membership for TN in UN security council, whatever it is.

* All rivers of sand will be linked by mining the gaps between them with aid of political mafias.

* Drinking water to Chennaiites from Cooum. Records say it was cleaned up many manifestos ago, and after much money too.

* Car for every family. And a bar too.

* Sarakku, pure and pristine, from Pondy, through a huge pipeline, with key collection and distribution points.

* Tap liquor for the house bars, quantity no bar.

* TASMAC will, therefore, stand abolished, shops closed, as people have always demanded.

* Mummy canteens will offer free side dish. A trap door at the rear for night owls.

* Tipsy? My message will be all cheer, rather, cheers! Just wait.

* Beggars’ (***) populace has grown enormously, thanks to official doles. The original ones in the alms trade are now marginalised. A new app, Beggy, will deliver free food to them.

*** In poll time, the B definition will include those begging votes. In power time, they don’t ask, just take.

* Memes will be banned and meme-makers banished. Social-media will be declared anti-social.

* To TN’s lifeline, Cinema. Film shows, parking, popcorn — all free.

* Special subsidy to media for fake news favourable to me. No big deal for journos, anyway.

* Still there? On my way, will be with you anytime now.

FOR WOMEN:

* Essentials will be door-delivered to housewives by Drones, specially programmed to distinguish serial and cereal timings.

* A husband tracker chip to be embedded in married men. Politicos exempt.

* A gag order on Radha Ravi guaranteed.

* Free, mobile beauty parlours.

* There are many more. But I am awaiting clearance from women colleagues in office, just in case …

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* And finally. Thanks for your patience. Sorry for the suspense. Having announced in a hurry, needed the time to think up something. Also, that damned designer delayed the neo-kurta and power jacket.

* The sartorial diversion now put away, I will come to the point: It’s about Satellite.

* The Moon is Earth’s satellite, sometimes so low that you can almost grab it from space. India will be the first country to honour this celestial beauty.

* The Fool, no, Full Moon day will henceforth be called Satellite Day. On New Moon day, I can’t promise the moon. So, this day will be Anti-Satellite day.

* Model code applies only to India, but Moon is global.

* So, critics are not just anti-national but anti-Earth. No space for them in this polity.

* Hope my suit suited the occasion, striped long shirt and checked vest, all that. For me dress and Address are equally important.

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Do log on to wwwwww.pbmfto.com.org/////. Of course, the link is junk. But nothing wrong in embarking on a Fool’s errand to dig up the site for more Fool’s gold. March is gone and it’s April, after all, April, with a poll too! Now, that was just to justify the heading.

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Jawahar T R