Kudos to those who walked unscathed out of the jungles after negotiations with the brigand. Also, three cheers to those of you who managed to bring along a few hostages; never mind that the brigand did not surrender, it was never really expected. To be frank, it was all really a drama, I mean the classes. On the whole, the progress of the students has been quite heart-warming.
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We now move on to a very important part of the lesson, and probably your face too. Yeah, you have all guessed it right, The Moustache.
Initially several academicians vehemently objected to the inclusion of this rather touchy subject in our syllabus, arguing that it made no difference to eventual result. So we had to educate them on the advantages of sporting a moustache, the affinity it creates between brigands and nosey journos and the startling effect it has on the general face value of the course, especially when beamed over satellite TV. Ultimately, they decided not to split hairs and we had our way: Still it was a close shave.
We are happy about it for most of those who walked in with just a few bristles under the nose at the start of this crash course have now developed full grown moustaches, a sure sign of them evolving either as successful investigative journos or brigands.
Though most aspirants, through some association of thought have already got an inkling into the importance of the moustache to our present study, their ideas are somewhat unkempt. It needs some trimming,.. I mean their knowledge. So we shall now proceed with the ‘barber’ic act.
A contemporary dictionary defines a moustache as hair allowed to grow on the upper lip. We know, from the visuals that were exhibited, that the definition is very restrictive. I mean, it is not fair to confine the moustache to the upper lip alone, for as we shall see they extend to the cheek and beyond too. So here is a tip. Investigative journos, under freedom of the press, are also free to grow bigger whiskers; brigands, of course, are already free to do anything.
We now have three broad classifications. Rather two, for the first one is thin. These are the small, bristly ones, called the Toothbrush moustaches. They are usually associated with junior officials in Britain, we are told. We have little use for them, in our course for it is a time-tested truth that thinner the moustache, the slimmer the chances of success with/for brigands. We advise those with hair-line moustaches to drop out right away.
Next comes the Pointed moustaches, with ends that can be twirled, either upwards or downwards. These have been traditionally patronised by the military men such as Colonels and Majors. They are okay for starters, provided students give the assurance that they would eventually develop them into the third category mentioned be low. If not, a circus ring master is as high as they can go.
We now move on to the most important and widely acclaimed (even ministers, both State and Central, sing paeans about it) model: The Handlebar moustaches. These are the thick ones with curved ends and are the nettling today. Once popular among Royal Air Force officers, these are now a rage with you-know-who and as they merit detailed study we proceed forthwith.
Growing these moustaches is an art. And aspiring brigands and nosey journos may do well to perfect it as their peers would no doubt recommend. For long an ex-DGP held the record for the thickest moustache, but he failed to curl it up and allow it to bunch at his cheeks and that proved his undoing. His moustache was straight and so soon he fell from grace. But a bandit and his friendly journo were smarter. They allowed it to curl and turn crooked. And they are now on top of the world. Moral of the story: Straight is bad, crooked is best. (we refer to the moustache only)
The two have patented the trade mark moustache which stands out as a telltale symbol of their successful partnership, I hope students will now realise the magic of the moustache and emulate the daring duo for sure spoils.
Apart from the headstart given by the burly whiskers, there are several other advantages that it has to offer. Though, when viewed in the profile, it becomes difficult to tell a bandit from a journo, it is in fact a virtue. Also it helps negotiations on a level playing field as the negotiators can not only see eye-to-eye but also moustache-to-moustache. For journos with a nose for news these whiskers act as filters to sift right stories. Moreover, it serves as an effective camouflage to conceal any tongue in cheek remarks which may otherwise turn embarrassing.
These moustaches are a sign of strength. They scare away not only wild animals in the forest, but also the authorities. Their unchecked growth under your nose is your way of telling the powers that be that you can do anything right under their noses and still get away.
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