It is right time for all the employment agencies, headhunters, placement companies and the like to get into the act. Never in the history of this much unemployed country has there arisen so many vacancies just overnight and a golden opportunity has presented itself to all those who have no qualifications in particular and who are just idling in a street corner petty shop or languishing before the idiot box with no work to do.
They can now do pretty much the same things but inside the precincts of a national party which is almost empty after it witnessed a fit of self-imposed exodus and a spree of renunciations triggered by the exit of its only leader.
Beginning with the post of a Congress CM to that of a mere peon in a Congress office in an obscure village, all posts are up for the asking. A PCC presidentship, or an AICC general secretaryship or for that matter, even the Congress party presidentship, you name it and it is yours.
But then, one should hurry up because one cannot trust these Congressmen. If suddenly, the lady decides to resume her ‘services to the nation’ the Congmen too would follow suit and the tide may get reversed. Even if the lady does not relent, one cannot rely on the saintly instincts of the likes of Arjun and Pranab who would want their positions back, to ‘serve the party and the people’.
Having resigned their posts earlier in a show of solidarity with Sonia, they may even say that they are now resigned to their fate, as advised by Sonia to carry on from where she had left. Either way, the return flow would be even more vicious like the receding waters in a beach and can wash away anyone off his feet. So, rush while the offer lasts before the Congressmen have second thoughts and it becomes too late.
For the Congressmen, who have all just surrendered their jobs en masse, our sincere counsel is that all is still not lost. Sure, these devotees have no use for the Congress temple as the presiding deity has skipped. And even the spate of resignations that continues unabated, as latest reports suggest, has so far failed miserably to move the goddess and make her return from the self-imposed exile. But Congmen should not tire or lose heart, for it is hope that sustains this world.
As at the poles, so also in the Congress, the wind can blow in only one direction, towards 10 Janpath. It is either Sonia or doom, there is no question about that. So now is the time they should bring to play all their legendary techniques of sycophancy and idle, sorry, idol worship, so that the lady melts like the butter topping on a hot Italian pizza.
If that happens, they can keep their jobs, Sonia can keep the party and the nation can keep its mouth shut on this very foreign affair.
So here are a few tips to the tipsy Congmen whose lives have just gone topsy-turvy. We beg their pardon for our naivette if such schemes have already crossed their ingenious brains which is quite possible.
A high profile AICC team can be despatched forthwith to Italy to persuade Sonia’s mom, or rather the Queen-mother, to prevail upon her daughter to stay on. If the mom does not yield, all Congressmen can fax their resignations to her also.
The CWC can pass a resolution requesting forest brigand Veerappan to kidnap the troublesome trio and release them after the elections are over. As a statutory warning, it needs to be said that the ambitious brigand too has his eyes set on politics and so it is prudent to hang a ‘No Vacancy’ sign outside the AICC office.
Meanwhile, a Reforms Committee can be formed under Manmohan Singh, or more ideally, Pranab, to reform the three dissenters and make them see sense. The panel can also suggest measures to enhance the liberalisation process so that, not only Italians, but even Martians can become the PM of the country.
Another resolution demanding separate nationhood for Maharashtra can be passed so that Sharad Pawar can be declared a foreigner. Similarly, it can also be resolved to send the Indian army to annexe Italy and make it an integral part of India like Sonia.
The CWC can also urge the US Congress to put in its papers and also demand that any organisation or event bearing the name Congress be dissolved forthwith. Thus there would no longer be any Medical Congress, Vegetarian Congress and so on. Dictionaries can be burnt demanding the removal of the word Congress to protest Sonia’s exit.
The CWC can also get Sonia to declare that she does not want to become the PM of India, provided we shift to a presidential form of government.
A constitutional counter-amendment to the one proposed by the troika can be mooted to the effect that persons born in countries starting with the alphabet ‘I’ shall be deemed to be of Indian origin.
Those Congmen who have a burning desire to set themselves ablaze, can be advised to use Ramar Pillai’s herbal fuel instead of the dangerous petrol, diesel or kerosene. It would be safe if midway during their combustion, Sonia relents, as otherwise it may be too late to douse the flames, leave alone getting back to their jobs. The ‘scientist’, would even be ready for a demonstration, provided no one kidnaps him in between.
A party press release signed by no one as there is really no one to sign it, can announce that the total tally of resignations has far exceeded the AICC membership itself which showed the overwhelming support for Sonia. And also that the figure is expected to even go beyond the nation’s population, soon. Meanwhile a signboard can be kept outside the party HQ advising partymen to drop their resignations at the boxes specially placed for it outside the premises as there were no office bearers to collect them.
Special camps can be conducted for the benefit of eager partymen under the able tutelage of ‘past’ CWC members to inculcate in them, new and novel methods of exhibiting obeisance. Even if Sonia is not around, it may help if the mantle passes to the very Indian daughter.
And one can go on and on, for there is really no limit to imagination…and to the Congressmen’s servility too.
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