Writing seriously about secularism is itself a big pain and one can imagine what it would be like practising it. Indeed our secularists are an extremely persevering lot, holding on to a shadow but still managing to pass of the mirage as the substance. The people might have lost their patience with secularism but that doesn ‘t deter the former from staying put.
Such single-minded devotion is what is keeping the flame of secularism alive today in this rank communal country and it is time we acknowledged a few of the torch bearers before the communalists walk up and snuff them out. An attempt is made here to categorise and classify the different kinds of secularists along with their respective s-isms( what a bore, this word is getting to be).
There is bound to be some overlap, but you can rest assured there would be no dilution in overall secular gusto. You may call it The Law of Conservation of Secular Mass.
Absolute Atheists: They are those who are closest to the dictionary definition of secularism which roughly tallies with irreligiosity. ‘ No god, so no religion ‘ is their motto. These are true secularists and so are very scarce, almost extinct in India. Though not of much significance in terms of members and clout, still they merit mention at least as a museum piece. Of course, there are many pretenders laying claim to AA but the next category will expose the bluff.
Selective Atheists: They do not believe in God, but they do believe in god. So, what ‘ s the difference, you may quiz. The big G, the majority God, is to be denied, but the little one, g, the minority god is to be promoted. That is their secularism. This tribe is very common place and parades as perfect atheists, but prod them on their views on Allah and Jesus, a diplomatic silence is what you will get. If you are lucky, they may go a little further to suggest that minority sentiments are not to be tampered with.
Secular courtesy, you see! So what of the majority sentiments? Aah, do they have any? These secularists normally hang around in Iftar parties & Christmas Carols, with mouthsful of soup and cake, in the appropriate attire as also in Mosques and Churches during ‘ Communal Harmony ‘ meets. Temples draw their attention if idols have to be broken, slippered or spat upon or if priests needed some heckling. TN had a taste of them in the fifties and sixties. They abound all over India and are readily identifiable owing to their rather high decibel levels made possible by lungs with lot of hot air.
Secular Faithful(O): The ‘ O ‘ stands for original. This group forms the bulk of the Hindu Indian society, but are rarely represented in politics. They are real and do not mind other religions co-existing with them, but of late this crowd is getting restless because of endless hammering by all and sundry.
Secular Faithful(D): Duplicates. They are believers, basically. Their basics, though, cannot be believed at face value. For they are essentially subscribers to secularism as a matter of convenience. They practise secularism during fixed hours, say between 9 to 5 or during Prime Time. They take commercial breaks whenever it pays to take. Most of them are politicians and wear their duplicity like medals. They believe in their God,but would dump Him in order to show off their accommodation of other religionists so that their vote banks swell.
They too love Iftar parties and Christmas cakes, but would prefer to partake of payasams at home away from cameras, so that their ‘ secular credentials ‘ are intact. One can however bet that, once the secular game is up, they would be among the first to find great virtues in Hinduism. Presently, a good part of the political secular crowd belongs to this class. It ‘ s no coincidence that most of them are Congressmen, though there are several others too vying for a share of the secular pie.
Indian Communists: A sub-division of Absolute Atheists, yet they deserve special mention, like comic interludes in a masala movie. They pride that secularism is itself a product of their idle minds working overtime in their devil ‘ s workshops called politburos where, ironically, there are no strikes. Bearded oracles, paleolithic politicians and dogmatic dinosaurs abound here and though Communism itself has withered away, the ommunists have not. At least, that is what they think, drowned as they are in perpetual delusion.
In fact, they are yet to realise that the Russian Revolution has been rolled back or that China has calmed down its comrades from utopian socialism to realistic capitalism. In India too,with Socialism gone to keep company with Karl Marx in his grave, secularism is their only last post. They eat and breathe secularism, that is, whenever they are not forming third, fourth, fifth ….one thirty fifth, one thirty sixth…fronts of which they never tire.
It does not matter that by doing so they are splitting secular votes. No hair-splitting over that! They are masters of political logic. Samples: Join Sangh and Singh to keep Congress out. Join UF with Congress support to keep Congress and BJP out. Back Congress to keep BJP out. Little wonder they are Left out. They fight other secularists in elections, but make up with them in Parliaments.
Though never in central power, mercifully at that, these secularists have however effectively conquered the academia and monopolised college corridors. And are always the favourites of Prime Time media because they have a lot of spare time – 24 hours a day, to be precise.
Secular Minorities: They pray to their gods who are deemed above law and yet play secular games to keep majority gods under the legal leash. They run totally religious parties with totally religious agendas flaunting totally religious issues, yet are clever enough to hide behind the secular purdahs and robes. As they vote in unison, the bulk ballots offer an irresistible electoral attraction to secular politicos who front for them in return. This queer quid pro quo is the quintessence of their survival. Such endless mutual back scratching has now gone a bit too far causing bruises and bloodshed, and also, a backlash but they don ‘ t seem bothered. There are of course quite a few intellectuals in their midst who apprehend a danger in unbridled minority activism but they are in the fringes, forced out by the fear of the fatwa.
Mercenary Secularists: They bear the ISI mark for authenticity. Their secularism is the loudest as they blast their way through everywhere. Mumbai, Kovai, Srinagar and Parliament House, to name a few are some of their glorious secular achievements. TADA or POTA, they carry on in gay abandon often getting away under secular immunity, not to mention the porous laws. Though it needs a certain amount of perversion to call them secularists, unfortunately there are such perverts too, and so they qualify!
Pseudo-Secularists: Hold your breath, you are in for a big surprise. Like a doctor himself getting infected, having fought pseudo secularism all its life, the BJP seems to have contacted the disease it detested. Owing to its coalition Karma, the party, under pressure from allies has half-heartedly turned secular, while the other half remains where it should. The broken heart is now bleeding profusely.
And last, there is the secular media for whom the majority religion is anathema, no matter even if it is their mascot on the mast head. Their cross-border journalism could be worse than cross-border terrorism but it passes muster under freedom of the press. And then there are the Stars for whom even the sky is not the limit when it comes to secular posturing. But they all prevail because the audiences have no choice. For now, that is!
e-mail the writer at [email protected]