Man in the mirror is a thief!

Whatever he might imagine himself to be, Karunanidhi remains a Hindu by religion.There is no news of he converting till date, though one got the impression, going by his robed companions on stage and the venom he spat on Hinduism, that he might have been converted last night. Since the same could not be confirmed till the time of going to press, he can be deemed to be continuing as a Hindu, though this disturbing news has to be broken with due apologies to Hindus.

Of course, one has to check the census data or Kalaingar’s passport to know what he has declared himself and his family to be, but owing to his Hindu parentage, it can be safely assumed, with a heavy heart though, that Karunanidhi is a Hindu. Now, why am I so keen about proving that Thiruvalar M. Karunanidhi, of Gopalapuram and also, Oliver Road, Mylapore, is a Hindu, when I, and all the thieves like me who unfortunately form a huge majority in this sinful land, should actually be disowning him vehemently?

‘Hindu means thief’. Thus spake Karunanidhi, the great Tamil scholar and the sole leader of all Tamils in the universe and beyond. To back his discovery, he has invoked Periyar, who we all know, is the sole repertoire and indeed the fountainhead of all such banalities.

Of course, Periyar had even declared once that Christians are not Tamils, but let us not embarrass Karunanidhi and his extremely secular but wholly Christian companions. And in a dig typical of him, the Kalaingar adds that he however could be broad-minded enough to interpret it as one who ‘steals the heart’. How very magnanimous? And what a revelation! The white robed gentlemen, who flanked Karunanidhi yesterday, and their tribe of soul-hunters have always been telling us, Hindus, over these centuries that we are sinners. And ignoramuses, that we are, we never understood what sin we had committed. Aah, now we know.

Theft. Stealing. Purloining. Robbing. Swindling. Embezzling. For perfect Tamil translations, read Murasoli (price Rs. 3 and worth every penny you have stolen!). We are all thieves, at least w.e.f from today, since the Kalaingar himself, who got tipped off only yesterday night about this startling information has wasted no time and forthwith certified, sentenced and condemned us all in one sweep. It does not matter what we had stolen, it may be just hearts or just about anything. But thieves we shall be. Who can be a better authority than Karunanidhi to talk about thieves and thefts!

And how fair he has been in issuing this blanket proclamation covering all Hindus, unmindful of the fact that it would make the Tamils, for whom he is the leader, thieves, his own nephew and sons thieves, all his family members thieves, his partymen thieves, and all those who kept voting him in and out thieves.That would also make his partners in the Capital, the very Hindu BJP, thieves and several people who shared the dais with him yesterday, thieves.

The Dalits would be thieves till they get converted and thus get exonerated. Barring the minorities, it would make India a nation of thieves, for Hindus form the majority. What patriotism and display of national pride! Above all, and what a selfless soul he is, that he should declare himself a thief! Surely, the rational Kalaingar would have reasoned that such an inference is automatic.

After all when Periyar was said to have converted Hindus into thieves, he seemed to have been quite exhaustive in his definition and must certainly have meant Hindus by birth. Now, of course, the readers would have understood the sinister design behind my painful intro to prove that K is a H…or is it T? No, I am not saying the last part, it is the one and only rationalist making his point. So what if the confession, on behalf of himself and the community that he was unfortunately born in, came before Archbishops and in a Church. Are they not the ideal settings for secularism and tolerance to parade and prosper. Amen!

We are not sure what engineered this brainwave in K’s fertile mind. Probably a glimpse of his outer self on the mirror, resplendent in dark glasses and that yellow thing must have set his inner sub-consciousness working, we do not know. But there is something else the thieves of the land would like to get clarified. If the Hindus of the land are thieves, of hearts or whatever else, what would Kalaignar call those who over centuries stole their lands, desecrated their temples, looted the hundis, broke their idols, pinched the jewels, raped their women and have always laid siege to their age-old religion?

Again, if Hindus are thieves, then what would the Christians and Muslims be, in Karunanidhi’s lexicon? We would like to know. The robed gentlemen and the bearded friend, who are all intrinsically and physically secular, would also not mind if Karunanidhi could shed whatever light he could on their identity too. It would also be in the fitness of things and a fair deal.

Karunanidhi being secular and rationalist, his superior, un-senile brain would have certainly worked out by now what they are. He must give the benefit of such revelation to the entire world to mull over so that one is enlightened. The information will also be helpful for when we lock up our houses to discourage Hindu thieves, we can also think up other additional precautions to guard against whatever the Christians and Muslims turn out to be, courtesy Karunanidhi. So, please, thalaiva, we are dying to know!

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