Dear delegates and all dumb masses outside those gates, I am honoured at being made Vice-President of the Italian Nationals’ Congress and I know you will believe me (I myself don’t) when I say it came as a surprise. And since no charge of ‘vice’ has stuck on me so far I am de facto President. Still, I thank INC President Signoraji for fulfilling the family formalities.
My responsibilities have suddenly zoomed. I am now bound to render Roman, pardon, yeoman, service to the extended family of the party and people that has always sustained our lineage. I assure you this tradition of give and take – you giving and we taking – shall continue merrily. And I am sorry to have kept all of you guessing and waiting. I congratulate you for guessing right. Lo & behold, here I am. As for waiting, we will all have to await 2014, possibly even beyond. Of course, the honourable regent at the helm now would vacate any time, without a hassle, but why should I inherit ‘his’ sins? What are proxies and puppets for? So, his hug will do for now.
I will let you in on a secret on this occasion. No, not Bofors or my educational qualifications or my stand on issues or dual-citizenship legalities or our family’s fortunes. On these matters, omerta reigns. Last night, mother came to my room with tears in her eyes. My family has a tradition of weeping mothers pleading with ‘reluctant’ sons to help them out in the family trade. But I was surprised, and suspicious. Surprised because the ‘VP decision’ was part of the practised script and if anyone should be crying it is the hapless people of this godforsaken country, not my mother. And I was suspicious she may be having second thoughts, given my track record. After all, mother knows best. So I came straight to the point: ‘Mom, do you think I will bungle again?’.
‘Beta, what choice have I, but …’. Her doubt lingered like the last long strand off a fork of spaghetti. ‘Power, my boy, it’s all about power. And it is poison. So be careful’. I understood. You see, political power is a property that our family has patented and possessed for generations. We have dispensed with it very effectively to poison this country slowly and steadily and prospered in the process. It is natural for mother, adept herself at administering it without being accountable, to be apprehensive at the chalice changing hands even if only to son. So I said: ‘watch me on the morrow, mom, on how I sugar-coat the venom and vindicate myself’. Your applause and the media buying into my narrative proves the bait has been bitten once again.
Mummyji invoked her inner voice when her PM bid came a cropper. So I will change tack and talk about just voice. In fact, you can call me ‘Voice-President’. Now, there are billions, particularly youth, from the Alps to Kanyakumari, raising their voices against corruption, inflation, rapes, terrorism, development etc. These voices must be heard and heeded. No longer should a chosen few sitting behind closed doors in cosy rooms and top positions decide on the nation’s fate. That’s why we now do things openly and brazenly and across the alliance spectrum, making us a broad-based, position-neutral United Plunderers’ Association of a chosen many. Also, you will agree our mega scams are no mediocre stuff. As for heeding the people’s voice, only the corrupt can talk consummately about corruption. So, I, and the party too, will join the chorus, as if we have nothing to do with our own regime till the dust settles. But mind you, we have genuinely also given voices to many: to the corrupt community in general, to Italian compatriots, to wheeler-dealer sons-in-law, to local looters and FDI carpetbaggers and now, thanks to our Home Minister, to our hell-wishing terrorist brethren across LoC.
I am optimistic because I am counting on the voters’ continuing gullibility. Take for instance the Direct-to-home revolution that we have launched to fool them. Our enemies call them bribes, but I say they are building blocks … for our private estates, that is. My father bemoaned that only 15 paise to a rupee reached the people. I offer 96 paise to the same one rupee. The bargain is the people must not bark over the balance billions of rupees that pass through our greasy palms. And there’s still 4 paise left from that original one rupee. Simple math. What a win-win deal … for mom & me and our mob! My calculation is by 2014, the country will be so dazed and disillusioned that it will be ready for the worst, i.e, me!
I am only collecting birthright dues. Don’t forget, it was my great grandfather and ‘our’ party and nobody else in it or outside it, that got us freedom. And those who played badminton with me killed my grandma. That’s why I have no qualms in our country playing cricket, hide & seek and sundry games with its enemies. I want change and I am that: Though I am from the same nasty dynasty, I can don different, albeit deceptive, masks. My party and I will support every Indian … as a return gift for he/she standing by Italians. And if I sound a tad hypocritic and too self-righteous for a leader whose family’s 55 (out of 65) years of loot and scoot misrule has actually landed the nation in the current mess, that’s the gambit: Times are such that the devil can boldly quote scriptures and unholy confessions can easily pass off as utterly chaste intentions.
I humbly accept your bouquets. Please courier the brickbats to my speechwriter, c/o, party office. Cheerio!
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