While Indian cricket over-flows with politics, politicians barring Sharad Pawar, hardly have time for cricket. Unless there is an Indo-Pak series in the offing, whence cricket becomes a diplomatic, or rather, an undiplomatic affair. Today’s primetime television rarely lets our politicos sleep, let alone think of cricket, thrusting a mike into their face even before they could reach out for their toothbrush, early in the morning. So, we, at ‘Empty TV’, decided to mix cricket and politics and despatched our reporters to seek out the politicos for their comments on the ongoing ICC Champions trophy, wherein India …well, failed to become champions by losing to the Aussies, well in advance. Over to the sound-bytes of our politicos. Hoping our once-bitten-never shy viewers emerge wiser on cricket and politics or either or neither:
Dr Manmohan Singh, PM, blamed the Aussies for unleashing violence on the ground and infiltrating the boundaries too often, something the Indians rarely did and that too only under extreme provocation. He praised the Indians for exercising restraint by not hitting too hard or bowling too fast and added that henceforth India-Australia matches should be resolved through talks in the pavilion itself. FM Chidambaram reasoned that India’s deficit and Australia’s surplus were the prime causes and warned that if the deficit-run continues, India will continue to be economical with victories also.
Sources close to 10 Janpath claimed that Soniaji never listened to cricket commentary, or for that matter anything other than her inner voice. So our reporter, in line with the Capital’s journalistic norms, approached her a bit cautiously and with extreme indulgence, lest the sensitive signora sulks, scoots or sacrifices. To our persistent queries at her doorstep, the Silent Saint just smiled repeatedly and all were truly smitten by her eloquence. After all, what are a thousand words worth before that all-knowing smile? Anyway the Congress leaders and cadre who were waiting at the gates for the last two days, seemed to have understood, as they burst into cheers. Sonia, pardon, Soniaji, waved and then she was gone. But the Congmen stayed put, the cheers continued and could be heard till we returned to the Studios a few miles away. Since then, we have been running the tapes with the blank audio; we will let in the viewers on Soniaji’s views once we decipher them.
The BJP spokesperson Arun Jaitley blamed the ISI for the debacle. When asked to elaborate, he said it was India’s Suicidal Instinct which caused the defeat and said people of foreign origin should no longer be allowed to play with India. Shiv Sena chief ‘Ball’ Thackeray said so long as India did not lose to Pakistan, it does not matter who they lose to. Railway minister Rabri Prasad, sorry, Laloo Devi, sorry again, Laloo Prasad criticised the upper-caste Aussies for making cattle fodder of Indians. HRD minister Arjun Singh, hearing some mention of caste in his slumber, woke up with a start to announce a 90% reservation in the Indian squad for those who cannot bat or bowl. He said the playing eleven will be increased to twenty if necessary and the cricketing rules amended accordingly. Some women activists wanted one third quota, if not in the team, at least as the third umpire. Mandira Bedi is being tipped for that role.
The Politburos of the two main Left parties passed a resolution condemning Australian imperialism and praising the Indian team for upholding secularism. They announced a nation-wide strike but clarified that the all-India strike will not cover Kerala and West Bengal. Press releases from Left unions immediately claimed that the strike was already a success. In J&K, Farooq Abdullah and Ghulam Nabi Azad, former and present CMs respectively, said that instead of hanging Afzal, the Indian team members should be told to hang their boots.
The cricket-Gunya has infected TN politicians too. The State’s leaders took a break from cinema, serials and mutual mudslinging to put across their rational views, albeit only on their own channels. Your Empty TV managed to buy up some footage for undisclosed amounts, in tune with the State’s political culture. TN CM Karunanidhi arraigned the Aryan Australians for driving out the ‘Dravid’ ians from the contest. He then announced free TVs with free cable connection for the Indian players who were free now to watch the other matches. The Kalaingar also added that, in case they still had time, they were free to visit Chennai to felicitate him with an award, something like, say, Dravid Thalaivan. He offered to keep himself free for them. PMK chief Ramadoss said India, sorry, indhiya thiru naadu deserved to lose, as there was not a single Tamil player in the team. He then suggested Anbumani’s name as a possible candidate and then hit out at Karunanidhi’s family politics. He, however, added that his party was still part of the DPA family… alliance. DK chief Veeramani hailed the umpires, the men in black, for upholding the ideals of Periyar, besides their index finger often during the Indian innings.
AIADMK supremo Jayal-alithaa said the Indians lost because they did not throw themselves around on the ground much and advised them to take a lesson or two from her partymen. Blaming K’s anti-people policies for the defeat, she also wondered if the Indian team was drunk like …well, you know who. DMDK leader V’Kanth promptly ‘scotch’ed such rumours and countered that the Indian team did not curl up inside the pavilion but made it to the field. He then announced his next movie, titled Captain Krupakaran. Film industry grape ‘wine’ says the plot is about the captain of a one-man cricket team defeating a Rest of the World team, single handedly.
With that we come to the end of our programme, ‘Cricket update – A date with political players’, brought to you by Pesti-Cola. And what’s all that noise in the Studios …Aah, my colleagues breaking news!
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