Here are a few anomalies for the central staff unions to mull over. I have also attempted a few solutions, in tune with their maxim of minimum work, maximum compensation and endless agony to the people, which they deem as success. In the course of this research, I have discovered enough anomalies, discriminations and discrepancies- all wonderful red-lettered words- that will ensure that they can strike work for the rest of their unexpired period of employment. An attractive proposition indeed, considering that they will be compensated for the strike period too. No work, but pay…yes.
Besides the intra-departmental anomalies, the unions are obviously aware of all the inter-departmental anomalies in pay parity, to the last paise, and so there is no necessity to enlighten our comrades. But there are some very basic contradictions that offer scope for a few more agitations.
When they strike work for pay parity, they would also do well to fight for what is called hierarchy parity. They can demand that for every post in one particular department, there should be a parallel and equal post in another department. As it is the designations and the corresponding pay that matter, the unions need not worry about the nature of work of those employees. So, banks can appoint railway guards who can pop in and out of cubicles for the heck of it, post offices can appoint station masters who can keep waving the red flag as often as they like and the accountants and audit offices can employ a few mailmen to move important official papers like race books, the latest magazines et al, between one desk and another.
Railway unions can demand pay parity with airlines on several counts. For instance, engine pilots can expect the same salary as plane drivers and rail hostesses can be equated to the air pantry staff. If these reasonable aspirations are not met, the unions can demand that tracks be laid on runways, and can also ensure that no train takes off and all planes remain at their platforms.
The unions can propose a separate finger-printing department. This is to ensure strict discipline among its members and enforce their avowed principle of work less, talk more. This department can pull up and penalise employees whose fingerprints are found on the files. The punishment may range from making them work for an arduous two hours a day to cutting short their lunch hours to ‘just’ three hours a day. The weekly magazines could be confiscated and given to the disciplined staff as a reward.
What follows is not exactly an anomaly, but a veritable goldmine. But if pursued, anomalies can also be generated, that can be cause for strikes in, say year 2050, for we have to necessarily think ahead. This idea of mine has the potential to generate phenomenal additional employment, and also holds out the prospect of more active members for the beleaguered unions. And more members mean better collections, bigger strikes and greater damage to the country.
Here it goes. Now we all know that there are thousands and thousands of files in the government departments and we also know that they are all gathering dust at a pace that cannot be easily calculated. Now the unions can demand that a new post called Dust Busters be created in all departments, and their main job would be to start removing the dust, which considering the volume of work, would last till time infinity.
Grades can also be fixed based on whether the staff would be removing plain dust, or hardened dust. The latter would obviously involve more labour and may even need special equipment. They can be paid a productivity linked wage in proportion to every square inch of dirt cleared. Special incentives could be offered for killing cockroaches and rodents that had settled in the government departments in the hope that they will not be disturbed.
Since these men will be kicking up a lot of dust, like their leaders do on the streets, the staff need to be protected against respiratory troubles. The unions can then fight for some new allowances like cough allowance, sneeze allowance, not to speak of the snore allowance that they are already entitled to now. The Dust Busters, as a matter of caution, however, can be asked to perform their duties when there is not much of staff around in the office, that is between 10.A.M and 5.PM.
Another department, called File Search Cell, could also be formed, which will take over after the Dust Busters have cleared a mess. The file search cell, also offers a lot of scope for jobs as almost every file that is generated is invariably lost.
These are but a few ideas. We request the public to come up with their own novel suggestions for the benefit of the government staff, so that they can serve us better!
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