THE GREAT INDIAN CIRCUS
Secularism, communalism, or even socialism and capitalism are passe. The only ‘ism that matters today is opportunism! Even big parties are ready to align with anyone so long as he has deep pockets and is able to bring along a vote bank, however miniscule it is.
As this orgy of opportunism reaches frenzied levels, we in the media who have stood by the poacher Veerappan through thin, thick and even thickets, wondered why we should not request him to pitch his tent too in the arena After all, the current political scenario is ripe for the likes of him to strike, with people being held hostages frequently and parliament itself being held to ransom often.
If political pundits can do that, why not bandits, who are more seasoned in the art of blackmail and plunder, we felt. It sounded so logical and in any case, there was not much grist around for us to grind. So we decided to create news.
If Mohammad does not go to the mountain, the latter should go to him. So we trekked to the jungles noiselessly, careful not to wake up the STF personnel. Though Veerappan sulked initially, he condescended later and decided to take the plunge along with his hooded-lums.
We advised him to christen his new outfit in current jargon, either as NDA(National Dacoits Assortment) or DPF(Democratic Plunderers Front) or simply The Third Front, which is like a default setting if no other name comes to mind. Having engineered a political coup, we the middlemen, pardon, mediamen, exited the forests forthwith, escorted by Veerappan’s gangsters, sorry, parivar or udan pirappugal, now.
Since, whenever Veerappan acts, the politicians only react, we sought the reactions of a horde of political luminaries on this latest sensational development. Here they go.
Prime Minister Vajpayee has said that he was ready to take a bus to the jungles to bring back Veerappan provided the brigand removed all the land mines which he had planted for the benefit of his tormentors. The PM pleaded that he cannot afford to have one more bus go bust.
Sonia Gandhi, President, AICC(All Italian Congress Cult), welcomed Veerappan’s entry into politics saying that her party always encouraged outsiders to become insiders. Though he is an outlaw, the Congress will treat him like an in-law, she said and added that Veerappan has already proved his secular credentials by kidnapping and killing Hindus, Christians and Muslims alike. BJP spokesman Venkaiah Naidu announced that his party is ready to accomodate Veerappan provided he is ready to accommodate Vajpayee as the PM.
The CPI and CPM, in a joint statement, agreed with the Congress view that Veerappan was secular in general but stated that in Kerala and West Bengal, they differed with the Congress claim.They lauded Veerappan for ensuring that the State, particularly the State police, withered away at the very sight of him and announced that comrade Surjeet had been deputed by the politburo to confuse the brigand.
Defence Minister George Fernandes was adamant that Veerappan should first lay down his arms so that these could be sent to Kargil where guns and ammunition were in short supply.
All the spokesmen of the various Janata Dals, who were busy putting spokes into each other’s wheels, paused for a second and called upon Veerappan to join their outfit with each claiming that they are the real Dal. They said that in case of a leadership crisis, Veerappan is free to start his own Dal, namely, Jungle Dal (JD).
AIADMK supremo Jayalalitha revealed that Veerappan has, through a fax from the forests, expressed his willingness to join her party, enthused as he was by the likes of former Chief Justice Ramasamy. She added that Veerappan would soon, through a signed statement, but issued from Poes Garden, expose Karunanidhi’s Sarkaria history and thereby tear his mask and if necessary tear Karunanidhi himself. She reiterated her demand that all special courts be scrapped forthwith to celebrate Veerappan’s entry into the mainstream and added that none can shake the AIADMK.
Chief Minister Karunanidhi, reminded Veerappan to remember how soft and kind his government had been towards him for the simple reason he issued threats only in Tamil, but clarified that he did not expect any return gesture. He recalled with emotion all of Veerappan’s unquotable quotes in chaste Tamil which he had heard over and over again, from the innumerable cassettes that the brigand had despatched to him as also from his nephew’s son’s Sun TV.
Stating that Veerappan was like his co-born, the CM offered amnesty to the brigand to enable him to contest elections even though the latter had butchered scores of voters but cautioned him to never sport a tilak which was barbaric. However Karunanidhi insisted that Veerappan should wear an yellow towel which constituted civilised, rational behaviour.
TMC chief Moopanar said his party, which maintained equidistance from both communalism and corruption, was ready to accept Veerappan. The bandit killed without religious bias and there is no record of him receiving any bribes inside the jungles, he mumbled in between bites of supari and betel leaves. Former FM P.Chidambaram who was also present, chipped in: Poaching will be given industry status, if Veerappan joined us.
Superstar Rajnikanth, speaking through his aide, repeated his stand that people should dump all those who brought down the government. Since Veerappan did not bring down this government, though he had brought down tons of sandalwood trees besides several police personnel, he deserved support, the star reasoned, once again, through his aide.
When asked if he would campaign for Veerappan, Rajni just flicked his thumb and fore finger and made a click sound. The pressmen blinked, but the aide understood and said the star’s path was a separate path. The super star immediately got up and walked through the hallway, while the aide guided everyone else through the verandah.
Meanwhile, Veerappan, quoted from his latest cassette to civilisation, has said that he would not align with any of the existing parties as they were all corrupt, communal and casteist. Also, plunging into the murky mainstream might give him a nasty cold, he averred. He announced the formation of a new party called Kaattumirandi Kazhagam which will fight, literally, for the uplift of bandits, brigands and barbarians. The moustache would be his election symbol, he said.
The Chief Election Commissioner, Gill, when informed of this development during the course of a press meet, immediately restrained DD from featuring any serial, movie or commercial showing people with moustaches. Even cats with whiskers should not be displayed, he said stroking his beard.
e-mail the writer at
[email protected]