It all boils down to beef now. Like a cow tethered to a tree all debate revolve around just this one issue. Every other happening, from Bihar polls to SC verdicts to the economy either gets run over by cattle or is consumed by cattletalk. Beef has become the staple diet for the hungering ‘intelligentsia’.
But I am different from the herd. I will not touch beef today. I mean, I do not touch it at all but my point is I am not writing on it like the rest. No, it is not because I don’t have any award to return. There are other topics of vital interests than the overcooked furore over well, you-know-what. What the hell, I am an independent writer with my own pound of flesh … freedom of thought. There are enough fertile fields to graze on without needing to feed on … forget it.
So, let me steer clear of all the bull*** plastered on primetime and print. I will now seriously analyse Bihar polls, the latest cattleground, pardon, battleground of our demo-crazy. No, I wasn’t just referring to Lalu, the cowboy who along with his clan, milked the State dry. Can anyone forget how Lalu’s face used to contort like a cow chewing on cud as he spat out ‘that Nittis’ with utter contempt? Well, the fodder, er, former foes are now fond friends. And joining them hoping for a free ride to salvation is the lost sheep Cong led by its half-baked calf masquerading as a Saviour. Left to itself, the party would draw milch … zilch!
Taking these assorted bulls by their horns is the NDA led by BJP which in turn is led by Modi, that is, whenever he is in Bharat. Now, if you thought Modi would be using the whips of development and progress to chase away the wolves and bring flocks of voters into his fold, you will have only dung on your face. What’s wrong, I can hear scores of Sainiks screaming: After all dung is holy. True, but that does not make it an ideal facial. In the current context, it is somewhat like the ink they liberally lavish on liberals. But where was I? Easy to get lost, you know, when you climb on a raging bull of a topic like Bihar.
Yes, Modi’s campaign. Of course, we know India’s maddening cowbelt is no Madison Square; start-up seeds that sell well in Silicon Valley can scarcely sprout in this scorched soil. But there was hardly an effort to tell voters that milk and money can flow into their State via industry and schemes, particularly with his own Government at the centre as a guarantee. Instead, the BJP was quick to cast itself in the caste mould. Even here an ill-timed remark on quotas queered its pitch. As things stand, the BJP can do with all the the bovine blessings that the divine Kamadhenu can offer as payback for their unstinted reverence.
And ironically, it is Nitish, the ally-turned-antagonist who is seemingly sitting pretty on the performance plank, despite being in the company of blundering buffoons who cheated even buffaloes of their buffer stock of food! It is no one’s claim that Bihar’s entrenched caste divides, that stretches to cattle too, will change overnight had the BJP willed; the State is so soaked in caste as deep-fried beef is in oil. Indeed, vote bank politics, a long prevailing, pervasive perversion of the Constitution, is a national malaise. But Bihar just sent yet another distressing confirmation that ours will ever remain a country of scattered cows.
I have to break my cow, oops, vow beefly, er, briefly now, though only w.r.t Bihar. While caste was the predominant factor, the cow too was the uddercurrent … undercurrent throughout. Lalu declared that Hindus ate beef and then swallowed it, his statement I mean, swiftly. After all, cow is held in great reverence by Yadavs and they cannot digest such a slur coming from one of their ilk. The BJP was quick to exploit this gaffe, playing to its own cow-loving constituency. Actually, beef eaters and cow worshippers form the vote bank of both alliances. Will the voting be on caste lines or cattle lines?
Readers will surely appreciate my abstinence thus far from any beef bluster unlike the Sahityas and sundry sensitive elite salivating on the sidelines for a whiff of the sumptuous stuff. But I must make a full disclosure here. I am intolerant. No, I am not part of any insane Sena. It is my stomach. Beginning with lactose, my bowels are allergic to all bovine offerings; And I am veg. Having thus failed the key beef test, I can’t be part of the learned yet loony liberal lot either. Between the horns of a dilemma truly.
But that won’t cow me down. Free speech is my Ox-ygen. So will meat … meet you all again with new and fresh insights daringly different from the din arising from the cattle market called media. Maybe, next week we can take up this important diplomatic protocol matter of what the visiting African heads of State had on their lunch menu and if at all it contained any …. I better stop here.
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